


The Three Fs: Surviving a Saiyan 101

by kaychi



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Humor, This fic is whack, crackfic, i don't even know what to say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-25 18:22:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30093234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaychi/pseuds/kaychi
Summary: Videl gets a lesson in being in a relationship with a Saiyan from the expert herself: Chi-Chi
Relationships: Chi-Chi/Son Goku (Dragon Ball), Chi-Chi/Videl Satan, Videl Satan/Son Gohan
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	The Three Fs: Surviving a Saiyan 101

**Author's Note:**

> Dear, Lemon - 
> 
> I dedicate this to you. Thanks for being as weird as me.
> 
> xoxo,  
> Kay

**Food**

“Like this, Chi-Chi?” Videl stood at the counter folding dumpling after dumpling trying to master the technique.

Chi-Chi wasn’t fooled. She knew why the girl was here: Videl was in love with Gohan. She was impressed that the recent graduate had assessed two of the most important ways to attract her son, even though they weren’t necessary as the demi-Saiyan was clearly head over heels for the girl.

“Yes, ma’am. You’re doing much better this time. Notice how the filling isn’t bursting at the seams anymore,” Chi-Chi chuckled.

Videl had grown up with everything given to her. Meals prepared by her father’s chefs and her clothes laid out in the mornings, even though she always opted for shorts and a t-shirt. Cooking was a foreign concept, but upon meeting Gohan, she learned quickly that the way to his heart was food and fighting.

“Now, you’re working on mastering food, but fighting is equally important to these Saiyan men.”

“Fighting I have under control,” Videl scoffed.

Chi-Chi looked at the girl and worked to stifle her chuckle that quickly turned into a giggle which evolved into a hearty laugh. “Oh, oh Videl. That’s cute,” she said between laughs while wiping away happy tears. “Thank you, sweetie. I needed that.”

Videl stared at the Son woman arms crossed and completely offended. “And just _what_ is so funny?! I am an excellent martial artist!” she huffed as she marched toward Chi-Chi.

Chi-Chi’s grin disappeared before she moved faster than light and kicked the girl through the wall of their home.

Videl tumbled backwards for several meters before wobbling to her feet. “Wha… What the hell was that?! Look at your house!”

Chi-Chi walked through the rumble and hole in her home. “That’s a regular occurrence around here, especially with Goku home. He’ll fix it,” she said of the damage before stopping in front of the petite warrior. She crossed her own arms to mirror the girl’s attitude before she was tossed through the wall like a ragdoll. “You may be an excellent martial artist. But that’s not enough to keep up with my boys. Gohan’s not obsessive about it like his father is, but his love for it has definitely returned since Goku came back.”

Videl’s anger began to subside as she debated internally on whether or not to listen to the matriarch. Chi-Chi had been with Goku since she was eighteen years old. Of all the women on this planet, she’ll understand a Saiyan more than anyone. “Okay, Chi-Chi. What did you have in mind?”

**Fighting**

The two women faced off against each other in their stances along the edge of the river in front of Mt. Paozu.

“I gotta admit, Chi-Chi. I’m surprised to know you’ve kept up with martial arts. You don’t fight anymore.”

“I may not compete anymore but that doesn’t mean I don’t fight.”

Videl gave her a curious glance. Who on earth was she fighting way out here? Dinosaurs?

“Martial arts was the one thing that always brought Goku and I back together no matter how angry I got at him or how long we were apart. Plus, nothing made him happier than when we trained. It was how we fell in love.” She darted at Videl with her classic spear hands. It was fun to be in Goku’s position for once and have to hold back.

Videl narrowly dodged each attack but was shocked at how winded she became while Chi-Chi seemed like she could do this for hours. Perhaps there was a lot that she could learn from the woman.

The two exchanged blows over and over, both of their techniques clean and precise while also being panicked and urgent.

Chi-Chi kept Videl on the defensive as she pushed her deeper and deeper into the woods near her home.

Videl, believing she was clever, took off into the air to put some distance between herself and the Son matriarch.

“NIMBUS!” Chi-Chi called as she jumped into the air, landing on the sweet, yellow cloud.

“Dammit!” Videl yelled. She was not as quick as Nimbus. Fading quickly, Videl’s guard becomes lazy and Chi-Chi round kicks the girl sending her into a tree on the ground below.

Videl gasped for air as Chi-Chi hopped from the cloud and took the girl’s arm over her shoulder to guide her back to the house. “Come on kid. You need to clean up. Your father won’t let you visit anymore if every time you’re around us you look like you got your butt kicked,” she chuckled.

“I _do_ get my butt kicked every time I’m around you guys,” she laughed back. “But this was fun. I hope I can still fight like this when I’m your age.”

“My age,” Chi-Chi stopped them in their tracks. “I’m in my thirties and in the prime of my life, thank you very much. And if Goku has anything to say about it, I’ll be fighting like this until I die.”

Sensing she struck a nerve, Videl looked for anything to change the subject to. “So, what else can you teach me about Saiyans?”

Chi-Chi narrowed her eyes before they began walking again. “Well, there is _one_ other thing I wished I had known.”

**Fucking**

Chi-Chi rummaged through the top drawer of her dresser searching for one of the key components of surviving her sex life, especially since she was somewhat out of practice and Goku was rather insatiable upon his return. “Where are you you little… Ah, there you are.” Chi-Chi grabbed the pouch of senzu beans and headed back to meet Videl in the living room. Boy was Goku mad when they realized she had some of these bad boys tucked behind her bras while he was recovering in the hospital after his confrontation with Vegeta all those years ago. _Whoops_ , she giggled at the memory. It wasn’t her fault. She forgot she had them and hadn’t needed them anymore. He had gotten her in tip top shape and sex with him was no longer a challenge. This was well before any of these crazy Saiyan transformations, after all. So, the senzus got pushed back further and further in the drawer until she forgot about them entirely.

“Now,” she said tossing the small sack on her coffee table in front of Videl, “ _when_ it’s time, and by that I mean _married_ , these will be your best friend for a while.”

Videl poured some of the contents into her hand. She recognized the bean from the tournament. “Are these senzus? Why in the world would I need…” but her voice drifted as she connected the dots. Her expression shifted from confusion to wide-eyed concern. What kind of sex would they be having if she needed to take these?

Chi-Chi sat on the couch next to the girl and put the beans back in their sack unwilling to give up any of her stash so as to discourage the girl from doing anything with her son just yet. She had sympathy for Videl. Chi-Chi had also grown up without a mother and she knew how terrifying the prospect of sex was when she was a new bride. She didn’t have anyone to teach her about these things, much less what it would be like with a Saiyan. “My Gohan is a sweet boy but I’ve seen first hand what happens when his father’s genes come out in him. I can only imagine his ‘Saiyan instincts,’ as Goku refers to them, will take charge at times. He’ll always protect you, but these will come in handy,” she says bouncing the sack in her hand.

Videl blushed beet red. She couldn’t believe this was a conversation she was having with Gohan’s mother. “Okay, Chi-Chi. I hear you. Can I take a shower now?” she asked desperately ready to be out of this discussion.

“Of course,” she gave a soft chuckle at the girl’s innocent demeanor. “I’ll do the same. Bathroom is the first door on the left and I’ll get you a towel.”

Five minutes later Videl was scrubbing her body in the shower, soaping up between her legs when she feels a bump. “Ow!” she yelped. “What in the world?!” Videl bent her flexible body over every direction trying to figure out what it was but couldn’t get a look. “Dammit,” she cursed.

After finishing her quick shower, she wrapped up in the tail provided by her hostess and opened up the bathroom door, peering to the left and right. The last thing she needed was to run into Goku in a towel.

With the coast clear, Videl tiptoed down to the master bedroom and knocked on the door. “Chi-Chi? Are you in there?”

Fresh out of her own shower and in her terrycloth robe, Chi-Chi opened the door shocked to find Videl in a towel. “Where are your clothes?!” she cried, yanking the girl into the room and quickly closing the door.

“I’m sorry! I just have… I have an issue.”

Chi-Chi eyed her curiously. What kind of naked issue could this be? “And it’s best solved in a towel?”

“I have a bump okay?!”

Ah, now this is making sense. “A bump in a… sensitive area?”

Videl squeezed her eyes shut tight in humiliation as she pointed to her pelvic region. “Yes!” she admitted.

Chi-Chi smirked and rolled her eyes. “Well, what are you waiting for? Towel off. Let me see.”

“What?! NO!”

“Then what did you come in here for?! To tell me and leave?! I’ll help you if you’ll just show me! It’s not like it’s nothing I haven’t seen before!”

Videl inhaled a deep breath. She wasn’t getting out of this and she was in pain. So, she sucked it up and dropped her towel.

Chi-Chi sat the girl on the bed and gently pried Videl’s leg open just enough to get a look and identified the problem immediately. “Oh, you city girl. You have a tick,” she giggled.

“A tick?!” Videl screeched. “Like a bug?! On my business!”

“Calm down. Calm down,” Chi-Chi said as she stood to retrieve a pair of tweezers. “Serves you right for wearing such short shorts. Sparring in the woods, it was bound to happen,” she scolded knowing she had no room to talk. How many ticks had Goku pried off of her in the shower after their outdoor “sparring matches”? She crouched back in front of the girl. “Okay. Now, hold still and I’m going to try and pluck it off.”

“O…kay…” Videl said gripping the comforter and bracing for the worst of pain.

* * *

“Chi? What’s for dinner, hun? Boy am I starving,” Goku chuckled as he entered his front door drenched in sweat from an intense training session with Vegeta. “Hun?” he asked again when he got no response. He knew his wife was home. He felt her ki on the way back. A few seconds later, he heard voices coming from his bedroom.

“Chi-Chi! Pull harder!” Videl cried out.

“I’m trying, Videl! I’m so close! It’s stuck so deep in there!”

“Hurry! I can’t take it anymore!”

“What the hell?!” Goku asked himself hearing his wife using “sexy time” language with someone else, and _Videl_ no less! He used Instant Transmission to get to his wife as fast as possible, ready to fight someone when his eyes were frozen on the scene in front of him: A naked Videl on the bed with her leg over Chi-Chi’s shoulder and his wife’s fingers near Videl’s “muffin button.”

“GOKU! GET OUT!” Chi-Chi demanded, ripping the tweezers back.

Videl grabbed the comforter and rolled with it to wrap herself up. She didn’t even have the chance to be happy that when Chi-Chi yanked back so hard she finally bested the bug.

“Me?! What the hell is happening in here?!” Goku immediately covered his eyes realizing he’s stumbled upon another one of those things girls do alone, like when Chi-Chi locks herself in the bathroom for hours and comes out with the only hairs left on her body being the hairs on her head. He doesn’t mind the hair, in fact, he prefers it. But Chi-Chi said she likes the way it feels better when she lets him eat her muffin. Oh, how he never knew the word muffin had so many meetings when he was a kid.

“Goku, just get out. I’ll explain _later_ ,” Chi-Chi said in a much calmer tone.

The Saiyan sensed for literally any ki he could find and teleported out of the room, ending up in a different hell when he found Master Roshi watching his dirty movies. “Dammit, Roshi.”

“I don’t remember inviting you to this party!” the old man scolded.

At Mt. Paozu, Videl dressed as quickly as she could before getting the hell outta there before this day could get anymore humiliating.

“I’ll see you next week, Videl! We’ll work on perfecting sticky rice for sushi!” Chi-Chi smiled and waved as if nothing happened while the girl flew away.

Videl whipped out her phone to call the one person she wanted to see as soon as possible. “Hey, uh, Gohan? You free? I need to tell you about something that happened,” she chuckled nervously over the phone after he answered.

“Sure, Videl. Are you at my house?” he asked as he sensed her ki.

“Well, I’m leaving your house. That’s what I wanna talk to you about.”

“Uh, okay? Is everything okay?” he queried.

“Everything’s fine. But, I have bad news and good news.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. I’ll tell you the bad news in person and the good news now.”

A smile spread across Gohan’s face. “Tell me.”

“Well, I managed to sneak away some of your mom’s senzu beans. She was trying to have a safe Saiyan sex talk with me and…”

Gohan processed this information. “My mom talked to you about sex? How is that good news?”

“I don’t think you heard the important part.”

Gohan replayed the conversation when it dawned on him. _Senzu beans._ “So… that means…”

“Uh huh,” she giggled. “We can finally do it with you as a Super Saiyan!”

Gohan took off in the sky toward his girlfriend. “I’ll meet you in five minutes.”


End file.
